What is mental abuse? I’ve been getting this question a lot from those in the church that truly do not understand what I have been going through. I share out of my experience, and not for those to use this to seek help. Yet, I will leave references that helped me. This is a different kind of post than what I normally enjoy writing. I usually enjoy writing my sermon notes in devotionals, and about how to do internet marketing. Plus share the music I enjoy. I feel the need to share my experience as many do try to help me and it is best for my friends and others to know what I’m going through so they can share with me what they see. I can’t remember when it all started. Just in college, when I was dating, he didn’t like a shirt I was wearing and told me to go change. I should have seen a sign there that this was not something normal, as there was other incidents too. I rolled it by as in other events I didn’t realize. There were times that I can remember that many tried to warn me not to be with this guy, but just “couldn’t see it” like they did. My parents saw it too, yet they supported me in what I wanted, and had a fairy tale wedding on Aug. 15th, 1998.  My Mom reminded me that they remember visiting me on my Birthday after I got married, and he didn’t even go out to dinner with us to celebrate together. So many little incidents that are starting to come back and be clear of what is going on today. We were still in college and didn’t want to have kids yet. So I went through the moody birth control pills. Stopped them when I couldn’t handle them any longer. The bad part is remembering the things that triggered to what is happening today. After about 7 years of marriage, in our absolute most stressful times we were experiencing. Things got weird. Really strange. We were living in Arkansas and he was preaching in a really small congregation of less than 50 people. So he got all the stress of the problems of the church. Drugs, violence, fornication, you name it. Crazy problems in a small town, small church. Not being experienced, or really know how to handle those situations. He just wanted to preach. Not be an elder or overseer of the church, which he was not qualified. Then he started getting headaches. A headache that would not go away. We went to every Doctor to try to find solutions. The medicine he tried was almost worse than the headache. After about 6 months, we went to an acupuncturist. After that one visit, his headache was gone sitting up from the table. He rotated my uterus so I could have a child. Three months later I was pregnant. After a few months of having my daughter, he felt it was time to look for a new congregation. Especially being so stressed at that little church. He looked for the opportunity to work with a congregation that had elders and overseers so that it wasn’t expected of him. So we moved to Gray, GA with a new congregation. They didn’t have any elders, but looked like a great group of people to work with. We purchased our first home right before the market crashed in a newly developed community. Before moving I knew things were going to be tough as we didn’t have enough from the new position to pay for expenses. He looked for outside help right away, and I continued to look for new piano students. After school started, and I couldn’t find any new piano students since the market just crashed, I looked to find something on the computer to gain income. More stress from our relationship came from that because he didn’t really fully support what I wanted to do to help out. Because of that, I also started Avon, because he that seemed more like a real business than the online stuff, and I started Kindermusik. I always wanted to do this when I had a child. I wan’t motivated before because I enjoyed the middle school ages to teach piano and music. I enjoyed being a choir director too in Arkansas. So being thinned out in all the different ventures, I managed to keep everything in order and pushed myself to limits to make things work. Yet, noticing nothing I did made him happy. Things started getting worse, and another congregation seek him to be their preacher. He was thrilled since they had elders. So we made our move yet again to Texas. I’m not sure if there was a certain event that really triggered things, but he started to notice he couldn’t feel his legs. Seemed like there was always something wrong with his health and looked for more Doctors to figure out why these strange things was happening to his body, especially from the waste down. It was around fall 2012 that he found out that he was diagnosed with MS, Multiple Sclerosis. I didn’t realize until the next spring that one of the main signs of the disease is heavy depression. This made things a lot more clear of how he was treating us. I offered many days for us to go and do things. Go to the zoo, park, etc. and he just wanted to stay on the couch and watch t.v. He didn’t even want to go to Paley’s birthday pictures. So many more events that come back to see why that happened.  So why do I declare mental abuse? No one deserves to be treated with the constant abuse that what they do not like you doing everyday. In the state he was in, there was no love that was shown. Purely controlling and more reasons why I had to be submissive to him. Since he preaches and is really strong on the ONLY reason for divorce is adultery. He has a hard time understanding that I had to leave this crazy environment. It became more clear everyday the way he treated us. More hateful, and more hateful in front of my daughter with me. It was tricky with him being the way he is to even find the right time and right way to approach him of what was going to happen. Being in a town with no family around, I had to make a serious move. I really couldn’t tell anyone and wasn’t in a supportive environment. How is this preachers wife that teaches piano and has an online business pick up her daughter and leave a husband of 14 years? I wanted to do the best thing for my daughter, so I made sure she was able to finish her school year, which she loved. Then took the time to go visit family and see how they can help me make a new start. I focus now on my daughter, and her understanding that I want our focus to be happy and not being in that stressful environment.  I know she remembers that we fought a lot. It is a challenge to live with my younger sister, as this is a lot for her to handle, yet need her support the most. So it is my main focus to get this new environment to work for us right now, as I work through this transition. I really need to make things work with the talents and skills I have to generate enough income for us. I’m excited to get Kindermusik going here, and working new demos in town to get me to that level where I can support us. Many people want to have access to the HOW To’s of the online marketing business world. If they seek ways to outsource certain things in their business, I have solutions for them as well. So I’m excited to put more things together, as I see for the support of my friends and family around me that know how hard it is to go through mental abuse and divorce. I believe those that say it is harder to go through divorce than death. I seek out to the Lord for strength as the verses that stick out to me most is the love that needs to be there as you go through these transitions in your life. 1 Peter 3:7 ESV Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. Ephesians 4:2 ESV With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, You can see more verses of emotional abuse HERE. This article gave me some ideas of how to try to approach things, yet none of them worked for me. Just gave me more confirmation that I can not change him. Which was another reason that confirmed that I needed to get away, because things was not going to change, especially after 14 years… A great read on the Biblical perspective of mental abuse is to read this one. It also confirmed that support is so helpful during this time and that people need to understand to be patient and to look for signs of when the verbal abuse is happening. Many times it happens so much we become immune to it.  I was not going to let that happen to my daughter. Psalms 139:14 says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” It was really hard for me to really understand that I was going through this mental abuse since I really was immune to it for so long. It was during one of the company’s event in January that I was really aware of what was going on in my life. It was always a struggle to even get to the event, even if I had the money for it. He made me feel horrible for leaving them and not spending time with them, yet I wanted them to come with me. So it was always a horrible circle to go around with. Here is another great article that can show you specifically what are signs of mental abuse. This article is my absolute favorite one that really outlines solutions to being in a mental abusive relationship. Know what you can do now about it. Being aware was my first step, and also knowing that I can not change the way the person is. This is a great resource that really outlines if you are seeing signs of an abusive relationship. I cried when I saw several that was happening to me. I look at this abuse as a serious disease. I take it as serious as if it was cancer. Knowing you are going to do what it takes to survive from this event in your life will make you stronger. The Lord give you what you can handle always. This is a helpful article to help with solutions of plans to get out of an abusive relationship. I really never wanted to get a Divorce. Yet, I knew something had to change. I had to get out of that environment. If you are wondering if Divorce is a step you need to take too. This article helps share what happens when you make that decision. We all need to be prepared to make important decisions in our lives. And prayers help me too. Praying hourly through the tough times. I respond best to people messaging my privately on my Fan Page HERE, if they need anything. 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